Question of the Week
Riddle me this….
The smell of sex is starting to drive me nuts, again. And not in a good way.
I used to think that male and female genitalia were disgusting, I felt shame for my own and couldn’t stand the thought of others. I remember being a kid and glimpsing my dads junk (easier to spell), the memory is burned into my head, i thought it was big and gross and yucky. I was always the kid that couldnt change in front of others in gym class. I believe that this, the zipped tight nature of our society, and my general fear of all things sexual really paralyzed me into this fear.
In high school when I finally jumped into relationships, I hated the smell of my girl’s vagina, and this increased my guilt and fear. It took me a while but I seemed to get over this, first not blaming my partner-taking the responsibility, showering together beforehand-removing the stigma and ‘cleaning’ my thoughts, I tried incense while doing the deed. And these things worked, I’ve had some partners over the years and have been able to really enjoy them with a clean mind.
But lately, the smell, no, the negative thoughts, are creeping back in. She’s sweet and innocent and I’m still almost forcing myself to get down there. She takes care of herself, she’s clean and I’m feeling more and more like an asshole.
Please let me know, what you think.
Thanks L.
Jack
P.S. As I now think, I’ve never, in my 30 years of life. Never told
anyone about the things I just told you. So I’m gonna go ahead and
prepackage a thank you now, for helping me be in better tune with
myself.
Dear Jack,
So cool that you realize the distinction of your thoughts being the real perpetrator and not your girl’s vagina. Thank you for giving yourself the room to speak and for allowing me to hear you.
First off, you’re not alone in having an aversion to genitalia, so much fear
and other icky reactions are held by many when it comes to the sexual
and the body. We’re human and the things that remind us of that stay behind closed doors and layers of clothing.
Each person, each vagina, each penis is different and hygiene, diet, how
we were raised, core values we hold, desires we have play equally huge roles in how we perceive/experience our partners and ourselves.
I would invite you to consider where you learned about sex, who taught you and how did they teach you? What was their tone, their body language aka the underlying message? Think about it, try and get a visual memory, feel it.
For you see, I strongly believe that a lot of what we feel is inherited by
an experience, a story, a cultural belief, a family education.
We often don’t even realize how much we were effected by our earliest
experiences around sex. We often talk about the “first time” but I like
to inquire around the whole caboodle and dust off beliefs that we’re holding that we may not be aware of.
On a personal note, I used to be really uncomfortable with genitalia too.
I had to dissect where that came from and feel into what I thought things “should” be and why that was. Conversations and constant exploration is what served me best and now, here I am being a space to connect with you about it. Kinda awesome.
Typically, I feel a conversation with yourself or someone you trust is a great step in creating awareness here. Free write about the word vagina or sex (or both) on some blank paper or in a journal, at least a page or two. Then, go back through what you’ve written and highlight everything that is an intense description or word. Then ask your body is that true? Our body has infinite intelligence and we often don’t take it up on its wisdom until its waving a white flag or a red one. To get a feel where your “yes” and “no” live, start with “Is my name Jack?” and you’ll be surprised how quickly your body will respond and where. I use this exercise all the time to choose what I want to wear, eat, do, etc. The cool part is when you hear “no” in regards to a belief you have and then you get to ask “Who does that belong to (society, my dad, something I saw on tv as a kid)?” And you get to choose if that’s something you want to continue to hold on to or not.
We swallowed a lot unconsciously as little ones and even now, the difference is that we can choose to be aware of the lies we’re still telling and start discharging them. Each day is ground zero, we get to start being more of true selves and surrendering to that truth.
We can’t expect to have an epiphany and then be forever changed though, the real trick is to consistently take action to support what we know to be true, every day. Be in inquiry. What may be true is you’re just not into oral sex, and that’s okay. However, ignoring or resisting or judging it doesn’t serve you and I’m happy that you reached out and asked. You know that this is about you and not your lady’s nether regions. A better question to ask is what about you do you not accept? Every thing is a reflection, especially our “junk.”
Riddle me that,
Ella
P.S. Women smell and taste different depending on where they are in their cycle, stress, their diet- there is no “normal.” There are questionable discharge colors and consistencies though so just take note (if something radical is happening and not in a cool way, consider going to your gynecologist). Yeast infections or STIs do exist, I don’t need to read the riot act on that. However, I find that eliminating sugar, alcohol and dairy are a surefire bet to make everything calm down and be more delectable (eating more veggies, drinking at least 8 oz. of water a day, wiping front to back, showering daily using a mild soap). Cool?
